A Love Letter

Dear Depression,

I’m falling apart,
Piece by piece
And I don’t know how to stop it.
I lie to myself all the time,
Telling myself that things will get better,
That I am getting better.
I met a boy when I came to France,
And I don’t know why,
But I seem to be infatuated.
We never speak,
He doesn’t even say hello,
Yet he somehow has the ability
To either make my day better or worse.
When I’m around him,
I feel like I can’t breathe,
That I shouldn’t breathe.
The feminist in me is dying
With each word I am writing.
With each day here,
I am craving human touch
More and more and more and more.
I can’t seem to stop.
A simple hug,
Or the touch of another’s hand on mine,
Especially if it is his.
I still remember the day,
When he lit my cigarette with his,
And for a moment,
We breathed the same breath.
I had read in a book,
A long time ago that this was known as Cigarette Kiss.
I felt his nose touch my cheek
And for a moment,
I believed that I could be desired.
I know it was the alcohol
That hummed through our veins
Had made him do this,
Despite the fact that his cigarette was almost burned out.
It made him closer,
So close that I could see
The specks of amber in his eyes.
The first time we touched,
Was later that night
And I still remember it
As clear as day.
I don’t know what to do.
I know that this is hormones,
And that I’m not in love,
I’m not capable of love.
Yet I can’t get him out of my head.
He seems to feed you
But at the same time,
Feed my teenage self
That I had kept submerged for so long.
It hurts
Because every time I’m around him,
I let you overcome me.
I am no longer confident,
I am no longer anything.
I have never felt beautiful
But I have never felt ugly,
Yet around him,
I feel like I’m not good enough.
I feel like I do not deserve,
Anybody other than you.
You must be laughing
For this letter has gone
Places that I have not written about
Since I was twelve.
I guess you could call it,
A subtle love letter of sorts.
Whether it’s a love letter to you or to him,
Do not ask me.
I do not know.
Love,


Samragni

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