The Legend of The Premium Leather Louboutin Shoes

Holly Maloney had had a very sad afternoon. Her sister had decided to give her favourite pair of shoes a bath. Now one may ask, why ever would someone cry over a shoe but you see, it was her favourite pair of shoes. There is a story, as there always is, surrounding that particular shoe. One could even call it an urban legend. The shoe was not first hand or even second, ten different women and a man had worn that particular shoe. The shoe would get lost then would be found in a thrift store the next day and the cycle would continue. Legend says that all those who have worn the shoe have experienced the greatest gift given to women, the gift of owning a Louboutin. No one knows how it ends up in a thrift store but no one ever questions it. It is a universal truth that it will always end up there.

It used to belong to a woman named Highly Pricey. She was a very rich woman whose husband had touched gold by ruining an entire ecology. He bull dozed the trees and built houses for apes. Everybody loved him but nobody loved her. She was type of woman one ignored at parties. She always spoke her mind and never shaved her underarms even when wearing halters. It was quite a scandal. When her husband bought her the shoes, everyone said that it was because she had caught him with his secretary. It was said to be a bribe you see but she was never the type of woman to take one. Everyone was so surprised that it gradually, meaning in about half an hour since the news was heard, became the talk of the town. Highly Pricey never took of the shoes, except when she bathed.

When she died, she left the shoes for her niece who, by some freak incident, left the shoes on her patio one night. They disappeared until found, once again in a thrift store close to the niece’s house. The maid was blamed. Some say she’s still in jail. The niece never cared much for the shoe and so never tried to get it back.

It ended up being bought by a man named Peter Parker who bought it for his wife, Mary Jane. She wore it whenever she performed somewhere, which was every night. One day, while walking back from the sleazy bar that was her workplace, Mary Jane was robbed at gunpoint. Peter Parker was at Gwen Stacy’s tombstone paying his respects and so did not pick up his spider sense mobile phone. Incidentally, Mary Jane was robbed only of her favourite pair of shoes. The robber, as she dramatically said, took one look at her breasts then her shoes and decided it would be more practical to steal her shoes than her breasts and so pulled them off of her feet and ran away. The shoes ended up on the same rack in the same thrift store. They were heartbroken at the loss of losing the shoe. Mary Jane continued to sing, but in a different sleazy bar.

Les Apt was a French man who was known for his quirky style and “frenchiness”, and so no one was surprised when he ended up coming to the party with two shoes sticking out of his hat. He had bought the shoe from a thrift store, he told all his friends as he stroked the premium leather. ‘How rad!’ came the reply from the hazy group. A couple that was too cool to come to their own party was hosting the party. They were later found, having sex in his parent’s house by his parents. Everybody who was present, though they were too trashed to actually remember any of it, considered the party as the party of the year. But, all things considered, it ended which two arrests, a power cut, three DUI’s and a drug overdose so all in all, it was pretty rad! Les Apt, in all his frenchiness, had decided that he wanted to French kiss a girl. He had quickly grabbed the first girl he saw and had preceded to stick his tongue down her throat cause, that’s how the French do it. The girl, bless her soul, had kicked him in the nuts and stolen the shoes, which were on his hat. Later that evening, she realised that the shoes weren't her style; hence, they ended up in the garbage can. The next morning, lo and behold, the shoes were back on the rack.

When Daffy Dill bought the shoes for herself, cause you know, GIRL POWER, she never thought that she would fall in love with them so much. Her boyfriend, Donald Duck, was greatly amused by the shoes for he knew everything, which was actually nothing but he liked to think he knew everything. Daffy had decided that she would wear them on her wedding day for they were Louboutin’s and everyone wears Louboutin’s on their wedding day! On her wedding day, she wore the shoes and danced in the shoes and walked down the aisle in the shoes and ran away in the shoes and came back in the shoes and made love in the shoes. The next day, she walked back barefoot for she sold the shoes to pay for the food. And so the cycle began again. The shoes were back and the legend was forming. Daffy sadly, ended up divorcing Donald in three days and engaged to Mickey in four. It was truly a remarkable week for the shoe.

Betty Johnson was a woman known for her amazing cakes. She had the gift of God some said but really, it was the Martha Stewart cookbook her mother had got for her when she was eighteen. Betty Johnson never looked out of place. With her apron on and not a stray hair out of her neatly pinned hair, she depicted the life of a subordinated, disrespected housewife to perfection. It was therefore, a huge surprise when Betty Johnson was seen wearing shoes from the thrift store. As she strutted down High Street, her shoes made a clicking sound on the pavement, and her confidence flew. No longer was she considered just a housewife, now she was the housewife. As she walked home, her steps faltered. She remembered her husbands utter disapproval of all things not approved by him. He did definitely not approve this shoe. As she stepped onto the foyer, maybe out of fear of the unknown, she quickly took of her shoes and threw them onto the street. As she opened the door, she found her husband sitting at the table, a sensible pair of shoes in his hands. She smiled, he smiled and the world was better for a brief moment in time.

For a long time, the shoe remained lost. No one knows who wore it for the seventh time but a few months later, it was found in the same thrift store on the same rack it always stood on. This was the longest time that someone had the shoe after Highly Pricey. Each person who ever wore the shoe either wore it for a week like the niece, a month like Mary Jane, a night like Les Apt and a day like Betty Johnson. The seventh person, who wore the shoe, wore it for three whole months. It was a record that was greatly appreciated by all shoe lovers and followers of the urban legend.

On the first day of Christmas, a man named True Love bought a shoe and a Partridge in a cage shaped like a Pear tree. On the second day of Christmas, he gave it to his teenage daughter. Now this teenage daughter wanting to be normal kept the shoe but threw the Partridge in the cage shaped like a Pear tree. The bird died of hypothermia leading to the True Love feeding it to his Tarantula. Now this teenage daughter wore the shoes to school, feeling so cool. Her friends laughed at her trying to mask their jealousy but no one thought of the dead Partridge in the Pear tree. The shoe became the talk of the school, every girl wanting, every boy wondering, every teacher talking like they were meant to do. This teenage daughter lost a bet, one that involved stealing a Partridge in a Pear tree. The shoe was handed to a boy named Pat Ridge. He sold the shoe to a thrift shop and so the cycle began again.

Sita Khan prided in herself in being secular. Though neither of her parents were Muslim, she had renamed herself the moment she turned eighteen. She felt that the world would only become better when someone like her led it. She held protests against multinational corporations who cut down trees, she fought against people who went to war and sang songs on her ukulele wearing headbands made of flowers and cheese cotton shirts with high waisted shorts and leather sandals. She considered herself to be a flower when there was only nuclear waste all around her. Hence, you can imagine why her friends were surprised when she came to the joint party wearing Christian Louboutin, premier leather shoes which she had bought from a thrift store. Her only excuse was that they were pretty. No one considered that a good excuse and so she was given an ultimatum. She either gave back the shoes or handed over her title of Flower Queen to her rival, Abdullah Ramakrishnan who was too gay to be gay. She decided that she would never let a Muslim become Flower Queen and so she reluctantly gave back the shoe to the thrift store. That is the story that no one remembered but was brought up every year during elections of the Flower Queen.

Now we come to Holly Maloney. Her story maybe the simplest yet the most heartbreaking of all. The shoes were the last things her mother had bought for her before she dies of Cancer brought about by the entire pack of cigarettes she had smoked every day in her life since she was fifteen. She had been a good woman but this one fault ruined her. Holly Maloney was hence heartbroken when her sister gave the shoes a bath. With tears streaming down her face, she left the shoes on her windowsill, hoping that when they dried they could be worn again. The next morning, the shoes were gone and in their place was a brand new pair of shoes. This time, they were not Louboutin but Jimmy Choo. The Louboutin was found in the thrift store the next day. A woman who wanted a new pair of shoes picked it up but someone stole them on her way home. She never questioned it for it was a universal truth.

The legend of the shoe continues even today. The feeling people got when they saw the shoe for the first time is best described by Marian Keyes from her book Watermelon:

“Besides, I'd seen a really nice pair of shoes yesterday in the mall and I wanted them for my own. I can't describe the feeling of immediate familiarity that rushed between us. The moment I clapped eyes on them I felt like I already owned them. I could only suppose that we were together in a former life. That they were my shoes when I was a serving maid in medieval Britain or when I was a princess in ancient Egypt. Or perhaps they were the princess and I was the shoes. Who's to know? Either way I knew that we were meant to be together.”